Thoughts on Marriage
"You're married?!?" I came back recently from a solo travel adventure. This was the response I got during my trip whenever anyone discovered that I am married. Often, it was followed by other questions: Are you separated? Why isn't he (even when I didn't specify my partner's gender) here with you?
The incredulity and questions came from people of all genders, nationalities, marital statuses, income levels, personal backgrounds, etc. It appears that societal norms on marriage are among those rare beliefs that bridge national boundaries, cultures and socioeconomic statuses alike.
This phenomenon confused me at first and then increasingly troubled me. It was already surprising for a lot of people to discover I was traveling alone (another post on this later; hint: this response DOES vary substantially with demographics), though plenty of people thankfully found it unremarkable. But the fact that I was traveling alone when I was actually married was too much for them and pointed, at the very least, to substantial marital problems if not insanity.
For me, this points to a far deeper issue related to the perception of the purpose and function of marriage. The implications of these individuals' natural reactions seemingly points to the conception of marriage as an abnegation of self. Once married, the person is no longer defined as an individual, but defined by his/her role within the relationship. As such, they are expected to move as a unit through all aspects of life, including vacation. Had I conceived of marriage in this way, I never would have undertaken it. I see many, MANY immediate pitfalls with this idea, the following being just the few I can put into words at this time.
Identity should never be external to the self
You and you alone are responsible for your life and happiness. Period. Your partner is there to accompany you in your journey to get where you want to go. When individuals define their identity with respect to another person, they deny some of the responsibility and burden of actively defining themselves and their values.
Identity is eternally in flux and should always be actively reflected upon. Relying on someone else for one's definition of self is passive in the extreme and can lead to a dissociative sense of identity. The self is defined relative to another's actions, expectations, thoughts, roles, all of which are constantly changing. It is a recursive cycle that is as delicate as a house of cards.
Reliance is a slippery slope
It is exhausting to be leaned on. The constant weight of another on oneself is a recipe for fatigue and resentment. Of course partnerships should involve a certain amount of leaning; that's only to be expected. But the idea that every aspect of one's life should not only involve, but star one's partner, is putting a lot of unfair responsibility on them. It is not their responsibility, by way of signing a marriage document, to share every experience in life with you. Despite the popular saying, you are not the same person. They should not be expected to want and do the same things as you in every moment and neither should you have to sacrifice the things important to you that do not interest them.
Perspective
There's a reason why many people look into the sky or go haring off into nature when facing a rough patch in their lives, particularly divorce, ironically. The world is big and the universe even bigger (some say increasingly expanding). Tying every aspect of your life to another person can give you tunnel vision and make your world feel very small. Not only does this lead to (un)conscious claustrophobia and restlessness, it also breeds an inability to cope with larger life events. A lay-off or death of a family member is much less isolating when viewed from a broader perspective than from the perspective of one-half of a pair joined at the hip.
Needing vs. wanting
This is about as universally agreed upon a piece of relationship advice as there is. Needing someone is not about partnership at all, but about issues within oneself that have yet to be resolved. Needing should have no role in a healthy relationship. Psychological dependencies on another individual are usually more related to you than to them, often stemming from insecurities and a desire for control over one's environment. Those feelings have nothing to do with the partner and should be resolved internally.
Instead, a healthy relationship involves wanting. The idea that you could go through life alone, very happily in fact. But the presence of one's partner only enriches the experiences and moments of an already good individual life.
The imagery I always imagine in my head is that of two parallel lines, side by side, rather than two lines leaning to form a triangular shape, each of which could not stand without the counterweight of the other.
The incredulity and questions came from people of all genders, nationalities, marital statuses, income levels, personal backgrounds, etc. It appears that societal norms on marriage are among those rare beliefs that bridge national boundaries, cultures and socioeconomic statuses alike.
This phenomenon confused me at first and then increasingly troubled me. It was already surprising for a lot of people to discover I was traveling alone (another post on this later; hint: this response DOES vary substantially with demographics), though plenty of people thankfully found it unremarkable. But the fact that I was traveling alone when I was actually married was too much for them and pointed, at the very least, to substantial marital problems if not insanity.
For me, this points to a far deeper issue related to the perception of the purpose and function of marriage. The implications of these individuals' natural reactions seemingly points to the conception of marriage as an abnegation of self. Once married, the person is no longer defined as an individual, but defined by his/her role within the relationship. As such, they are expected to move as a unit through all aspects of life, including vacation. Had I conceived of marriage in this way, I never would have undertaken it. I see many, MANY immediate pitfalls with this idea, the following being just the few I can put into words at this time.
Identity should never be external to the self
You and you alone are responsible for your life and happiness. Period. Your partner is there to accompany you in your journey to get where you want to go. When individuals define their identity with respect to another person, they deny some of the responsibility and burden of actively defining themselves and their values.
Identity is eternally in flux and should always be actively reflected upon. Relying on someone else for one's definition of self is passive in the extreme and can lead to a dissociative sense of identity. The self is defined relative to another's actions, expectations, thoughts, roles, all of which are constantly changing. It is a recursive cycle that is as delicate as a house of cards.
Reliance is a slippery slope
It is exhausting to be leaned on. The constant weight of another on oneself is a recipe for fatigue and resentment. Of course partnerships should involve a certain amount of leaning; that's only to be expected. But the idea that every aspect of one's life should not only involve, but star one's partner, is putting a lot of unfair responsibility on them. It is not their responsibility, by way of signing a marriage document, to share every experience in life with you. Despite the popular saying, you are not the same person. They should not be expected to want and do the same things as you in every moment and neither should you have to sacrifice the things important to you that do not interest them.
Perspective
There's a reason why many people look into the sky or go haring off into nature when facing a rough patch in their lives, particularly divorce, ironically. The world is big and the universe even bigger (some say increasingly expanding). Tying every aspect of your life to another person can give you tunnel vision and make your world feel very small. Not only does this lead to (un)conscious claustrophobia and restlessness, it also breeds an inability to cope with larger life events. A lay-off or death of a family member is much less isolating when viewed from a broader perspective than from the perspective of one-half of a pair joined at the hip.
Needing vs. wanting
This is about as universally agreed upon a piece of relationship advice as there is. Needing someone is not about partnership at all, but about issues within oneself that have yet to be resolved. Needing should have no role in a healthy relationship. Psychological dependencies on another individual are usually more related to you than to them, often stemming from insecurities and a desire for control over one's environment. Those feelings have nothing to do with the partner and should be resolved internally.
Instead, a healthy relationship involves wanting. The idea that you could go through life alone, very happily in fact. But the presence of one's partner only enriches the experiences and moments of an already good individual life.
The imagery I always imagine in my head is that of two parallel lines, side by side, rather than two lines leaning to form a triangular shape, each of which could not stand without the counterweight of the other.
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